rebekahann

Is everything really all about dreams and aspirations? It seems as though lately, that's all that is keeping me going.

My life is not bad. I am unemployed, but instead of working at the moment, I'm taking care of an adorable little boy who happens to be my nephew. Doesn't pay the bills, but it makes me happy.

Sometimes I think that my life isn't worth anything. Like I haven't done anything that I or anyone else could really be proud of. Does this make me empty? Does this make me hollow? I'm made up of some good stuff. Sometimes I feel like there isn't anything in me worth showing to people, but at the same time I know (I mean, REALLY know) that if someone only sat down and talked to me for a couple hours, they would get a glimpse of who I really am. And they would be inrigued. The innerworkings of my mind are incredible. They are interesting. I am a good person, and it is not because I like the way it makes me feel. I'm a good person because that is how my parents reared me. I remember back when I was still in high school, and basically every guy I met said I was "cute" or "sweet". Then, I hated those comments. I wanted to be beautiful or hot, even. Now, I'd give anything to be called cute or sweet again. I think when I moved out into the world and met unpleasant and undependable people, I lost the sweetness. I realized that you had to have a sort of aggressiveness about you if you wanted to make it. When I go to town or into the "real world", it seems like I am always on the defense. I always have a guard up. Why? All people are not bad. I think all of us are automatically assuming that someone is "out to get us", so we believe if we play defense, we won't get hurt. So, we put up that guard refusing anyone the right to enter our personal lives. We end up hurting ourselves in the long run.

That's always how it works.

Posted in Dreams and Aspirations

Do you ever do something that, in all reality, isn't like you at all? You realize what you did afterward and think, "what the hell am i doing?".

But then it happens so many times, you begin to think maybe that is the person you are.

I'm generally not a selfish person. I don't want to be a selfish person. I want to be selfless and sincere. I want to be nice and quiet. I want to keep to myself and do what makes others happy. I don't want to do things for me. I don't want to do things because of some return I might eventually get.

Being nice makes me happy. Doing things for others makes me happy. But when other people start being selfish and the things I do go unnotice, frankly, it pisses me off. Granted, most people are extremely appreciative. Most people notice and are thankful. I don't do these things to get noticed. I promise. I think I've been doing "nice" things for other people all my life, and that has caused me, and possibly my heart, to get taken advantage of. That's the way it works.

So, where do you draw the line? Do you continue being who you are or totally readjust the way you do things? I do get upset though. It makes me mad. It does. I give up a lot of things to do "nice" things for other people. Yes, I do have a choice, but I don't think people realize the sacrifices I make.

Sometime, I will find a man who will appreciate little notes in his car when he leaves for work. He'll appreciate an extremely well cooked meal when he gets home. He'll appreciate that there isn't a gargantuous pile of clothes in our room that need to be smelled to tell if they are clean or not. He'll appreciate a clean household. He'll appreciate that when I'm sick, I don't get all pouty and helpless. I will be appreciated. Someday.

I've been wanting an outlet. A place to share my thoughts without someone knowing what I'm thinking. I think I might have found it.

For months now, I've been feeling alone. Everyone has someone, and it seems like I have an electrical fence around me warning people to stay far, far away. I try and try to do everything I can to please everyone else, but it seems like it never works. This past week, I've been lacking on sleep, and that has made me super emotional. I don't like feeling. Feeling makes you weak. When I feel something, and that makes me breakdown (physically and mentally), it makes me not want to ever feel that way again. Thus avoiding all confrontations. Sometimes I think I'd rather spend my life alone, so that I never know what it's like to truely be in love. Therefore I would avoid any chance of losing that love and having to be alone again.