Taking chances... (go back »)

Is everything really all about dreams and aspirations? It seems as though lately, that's all that is keeping me going.

My life is not bad. I am unemployed, but instead of working at the moment, I'm taking care of an adorable little boy who happens to be my nephew. Doesn't pay the bills, but it makes me happy.

Sometimes I think that my life isn't worth anything. Like I haven't done anything that I or anyone else could really be proud of. Does this make me empty? Does this make me hollow? I'm made up of some good stuff. Sometimes I feel like there isn't anything in me worth showing to people, but at the same time I know (I mean, REALLY know) that if someone only sat down and talked to me for a couple hours, they would get a glimpse of who I really am. And they would be inrigued. The innerworkings of my mind are incredible. They are interesting. I am a good person, and it is not because I like the way it makes me feel. I'm a good person because that is how my parents reared me. I remember back when I was still in high school, and basically every guy I met said I was "cute" or "sweet". Then, I hated those comments. I wanted to be beautiful or hot, even. Now, I'd give anything to be called cute or sweet again. I think when I moved out into the world and met unpleasant and undependable people, I lost the sweetness. I realized that you had to have a sort of aggressiveness about you if you wanted to make it. When I go to town or into the "real world", it seems like I am always on the defense. I always have a guard up. Why? All people are not bad. I think all of us are automatically assuming that someone is "out to get us", so we believe if we play defense, we won't get hurt. So, we put up that guard refusing anyone the right to enter our personal lives. We end up hurting ourselves in the long run.

That's always how it works.

In Dreams and Aspirations